What you always wanted to know about sex machines, but were too shy to ask.
Hi there, I'm Roxie! I spent long enough as a cam model that there isn't much left that makes me blush. These days I write about sex machines, love dolls, cosplay and the other gadgets people are curious about but too shy to ask anyone about. I check the specs and read the fine print, then tell you straight whether it's worth your money or whether you should hang on to it for now.
Sorted by type first
First we figure out what kind of machine suits your body and your space, and only then do we look at actual products.
Checked, never "tested"
I check what the maker says about the specs, materials, warranty and returns, and I'll never pretend I've used something myself. Here's how I review.
I'll tell you who it might not suit
Every product gets a "who might not" line with a better pick for those people, even when it's a product that pays me.
Find your machine
Just answer honestly. Nobody's watching except me, and trust me, I've heard it all before.
Six kinds of sex machine, explained like you're my friend
Most shops show you like 40 machines and hope you pick one. If you figure out which type you want first, you can ignore about 35 of them right away.
Saddle machines
You sit on it like a saddle, and it rotates and vibrates underneath you while you set the pace with your hips. The Sybian started it, and the Motorbunny is its best-known rival.
See the saddle machinesThrusting machines
The classic kind, where a motor pushes a dildo in and out while you lie back and relax. How far it moves and how steady it stands matter more than how strong the motor is.
See the thrusting machinesAnal machines
Thrusting machines that can start really slow, with shorter strokes and slimmer dildos, so you can take things gently and build up at your own pace.
See the anal machinesPortable machines
Small and light enough to slide into a closet or a suitcase, which makes them great for apartments, roommates and trips away.
See the portable machinesApp-controlled machines
Machines you can hand over to a partner through an app, whether they're across the room or across the country.
See the app-controlled machinesAutomatic strokers
Hands-free machines for penis owners, where a motor does the stroking or sucking so you can just lie back.
See the automatic strokersCommon sense, a little life experience, and no judgment
I've lived long enough to know that most people have the same handful of questions about sex, and almost everybody thinks theirs is the strange one. It isn't, and you shouldn't have to feel awkward asking it.
When it comes to buying something like a sex machine, a lot of it is plain common sense that the listings skip over, like how it stays put, how far it moves, how easy it is to clean, and whether the noise will have your neighbors knocking. I'm a sex educator, and I go through the specs and fine print so you don't have to.
More about me
"There's nothing strange about wanting a sex machine. Let's just make sure you buy the right one."
Every product gets a Fit Check
Best for
One line on who it suits and what it does well.
Key specs
Straight from the maker, and I write "not published" when they keep something quiet.
The good and the not so good
Each point is tied to an actual spec, not a feeling.
Who might not
Plus what to buy instead if that sounds like you.
I don't test products hands-on. I read what the maker says about the specs, materials, warranty and returns, and then rank everything by how much you get for your money. The full method is here, or you can browse every Fit Check so far.
Not sure where to start?
Read my guide to the different types first. It takes about ten minutes, there's no jargon, and you'll come out knowing more than most people who work in sex shops.